Martin Bleasdale - Official Blog

If Carlsberg Did Animal Training.....

2011-03-01T14:01:00.000Z

The Farmer & The Old Lady

2011-03-01T13:49:00.000Z

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!

The First Time I Ever USed A Condom

2011-03-01T13:47:00.000Z

I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 15.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Greenville pharmacy.

In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused, so, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.

It was.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Buddy?' she asked.

I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

The Dachshund & Pink the Pig

2011-03-01T13:45:00.000Z

This Dachshund is fostering this little guy for another mom who couldn't take care of him.

He had his eyes closed, but now they are open.

He is just a little bigger than her other pups.

She loves this little guy as much as the other puppies and she is nursing him back to health.

He is the cleanest pig-puppy ever, because she licks him all the time!

HIS NAME IS PINK...

'Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.'

It's taken me many, many months, but I have just finished building my new Medicine Cabinet…….

2011-03-01T13:40:00.001Z

No, Time for a drink, Hic!!

Holy Sh*t

2010-09-17T15:45:00.005+01:00

1. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed.

2. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

3 Great Blue Hole , Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland ofBelize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.

4 Sinkhole in Guatemala

This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least
three people.

5. This is the famous Rat Hole.

It is capable of swallowing Millions of Tax Payers Money annually, never to be heard from again! It is reputed to contain at least 600 ass"holes".

Thanks Tony :-)

True Scotsman

2010-06-29T19:32:00.005+01:00

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high

Life really boils down to 2 simple questions....

2010-06-11T20:17:00.000+01:00

1. Should I get a dog.....?

2. Should I have children?

Just to let you know

I'm thinking of you today.

No matter what situations life throws at you....

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're laughing aren't you?

That's good 'cause my job here is done!

Have a great day and remember to give thanks....

Cats are so dramatic!

Now that I made you smile,

pass it on to someone else who needs a laugh today!

Hole In One

2010-06-10T12:22:00.002+01:00

A Man watching a game of golf on TV, kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game" he said to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them...." his wife said, "You already know how to play Golf!!!!"

God Bless the English

2010-06-10T12:21:00.000+01:00

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

The English, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless English generosity.

change your google background image

2010-06-10T11:41:00.000+01:00

OK, so its not funny, remotely interesting or clever, but its a novelty and I like novelties :-)

You can change your boring “white” background color to any stunning background images you want!
Add Custom Image on Google Search Page Background

1. Sign in to your Google Account
2. Click “Change background image” link at the bottom left corner of the page.
3. Next will get option where the background images will be taken from, such as:

- Your computer
- Your Picassa account
- Picassa Public gallery
- Editor’s picks

4. Once you’ve deiced your desired image, then click Select at the bottom of the page.

Now, searching via Google (googling) will be more exciting with stylish background picture in the front search page.

WOOHOOO

The Bear

2010-05-29T22:24:00.003+01:00

Storytelling doesn't get much purer than this--a film with virtually no dialogue and not a minute that isn't fascinating!

This is not trick photography, really, you have to see it to believe it

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

2010-05-29T22:18:00.000+01:00

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON! WAX OFF!

2010-05-29T22:10:00.000+01:00

NA NA NA NA NAAAAAA

2010-05-29T22:07:00.000+01:00

THAT IS SOOOO FUNNY

2010-05-29T22:06:00.002+01:00

I SAID NO PICTURES

2010-05-29T22:05:00.002+01:00

I TOLD YOU SO

2010-05-29T22:04:00.003+01:00

SO THIRSTY! SO THIRSTY! SO THIRSTY! SO THIRSTY!

2010-05-29T22:04:00.000+01:00

i knew i'd get that damn mouse :-)

2010-05-29T22:02:00.002+01:00

That was one hell of a night

2010-05-29T22:01:00.006+01:00

I just can't decide which one to kill first!

2010-05-29T22:01:00.002+01:00

I love cleaning the dishes

2010-05-29T22:00:00.003+01:00

What time does the soccer start?

2010-05-29T22:00:00.000+01:00

Just don't Flush!

2010-05-29T21:59:00.002+01:00

No that is damn refreshing

2010-05-29T21:58:00.002+01:00

I prefer to play alone to be honest

2010-05-29T21:57:00.005+01:00

I just can't stand fish breath !

2010-05-29T21:57:00.002+01:00

WHAT PETS DO WHEN WE;RE AT WORK!

2010-05-29T21:56:00.002+01:00

Sleeping in again

2010-05-29T21:55:00.005+01:00

A little power nap...

2010-05-29T21:55:00.002+01:00

Nice doggie...GOOD boy

2010-05-29T21:54:00.002+01:00

I said, Go to sleep!!

2010-05-29T21:53:00.002+01:00

Hey..gimme my BALL back!!

2010-05-29T21:49:00.002+01:00

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET

2010-05-29T21:48:00.002+01:00

I'M SO CUTE, THEY WONT CARE IF I SHRED THIS

2010-05-29T21:47:00.002+01:00

I PREFER MY VODKA WITH MILK BUT THIS WILL DO

2010-05-29T21:46:00.002+01:00

SORRY MOM, I'M NEW AT THIS!

2010-05-29T21:31:00.000+01:00

OK, NOW DON'T MOVE FOR ABOUT A WEEK!

2010-05-29T21:30:00.002+01:00

WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND

2010-05-29T21:29:00.002+01:00

THESE MORNING WALKS ARE KILLING ME

2010-05-29T21:28:00.003+01:00

Time to get to Weight Watchers

2010-05-29T21:28:00.000+01:00

MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN

HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN BUTT!!

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

2010-05-29T21:15:00.002+01:00

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered."Once, on a trip to the Brecon Beacons in South Wales , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago".

Watch your translator, and always double check his work!

2010-05-29T21:07:00.000+01:00

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To The British"(etc) slogans printed in English?

Answer:
They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was an ex 2nd Para Sergeant! Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!

How to Recognize a Gay Bar...

2010-05-29T21:04:00.000+01:00

Well a picture definately speaks a thousand words this time

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL LESSON IN LIFE AND LONGEVITY

2010-05-29T20:57:00.000+01:00

Be nice to others because . . Time WILL make a difference!

One day you will no longer be the big dog...

Just the old dog

Guy's Thatched Hamlet

2010-05-18T22:37:00.005+01:00

Guy's Thatched Hamlet, just outside Preston (Bilsborrow) is an absolutely unbeleavable romantic venue for any special occasion, its unbeleavably bad website can be found here: GUY'S THATCHED HAMLET but I am delighted to say, the site is the only negative think I have to say.

We visited on the 11th May this year (we try to get their a few times every year if we can) and this time upgraded to the Executive Room with Aqua TV, (don't get too excited , theres an extra telly in a wet room with a jackuzi in it, but in saying that, it still had the WOW factor and made our stay just that little bit more enjoyable.

I'm not a critic or review writer, so just enjoy the pics, I'll add other bits and pieces about this fantastic place as I think of them, for now, enjoy the pics :-)

Family owned and run for nearly three decades - this is a venue that even has its own cricket pitch with all weather wicket and thatched cricket pavilion. We also offer crown green bowling with a thatched clubhouse and bar.

The Tiger Woods Affair, Special Update!

2010-04-26T22:52:00.000+01:00

Well Its BBQ time again, and here is the ULTIMATE GRILL

2010-04-26T22:44:00.000+01:00

Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention......I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards...then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you....I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!!!!

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

One of the best advertisement’s ... ever!!!

2010-04-26T22:04:00.002+01:00

This is on the French Riviera, just outside Monte Carlo.

One of the best advertisement’s ... ever!!!

Crane Operator Needed

2010-04-21T22:30:00.000+01:00

Crane Operator needed urgently!!

Anybody??

Now see this stuff???????.

This is taken from world's tallest building .

"Burj Dubai" at 2,620 ft / 801m!

Really amazing

Look at the edge (uppermost right corner) of the picture,

you can almost see the turn of the earth

The persons who are working on the upper most Girders can see the

"ROTATION OF THE EARTH"

A Journey Through The Pearly Gates

2010-04-21T22:25:00.000+01:00

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book..

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

The SON - This Post Will Make Your Day

2010-04-21T22:20:00.000+01:00

The SON

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the rare collectable works, Get on with the Real Bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting..' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry.. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?'

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

2010-04-21T22:16:00.000+01:00

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, he had to get up because there was still work to do.

And Who Says Politics is Boring.....

2010-04-20T22:54:00.002+01:00

Definately NO TRESPASSING!!!

2010-04-20T22:52:00.003+01:00

Drive Carefully, You have been warned!

2010-04-20T22:46:00.000+01:00

Are Polar Bears Afraid Of Anything?

2010-04-20T22:44:00.001+01:00

Shot from the USS HONOLULU (Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine) at the Arctic Circle, 280 miles from the North Pole--is there anything that scares a polar bear?

Alcohol Research for 2010

2010-04-20T22:40:00.003+01:00

A definite entrepreneurial spirit..................

Focus On What's Important

2010-04-20T22:39:00.001+01:00

Different Ways To Look At Things

2010-04-20T22:37:00.001+01:00

Things in life are not always as clear as they seem.................

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?'
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
------------ ---------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
------------ ---------
'Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully', the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
------------ ---------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
------------ ---------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
------------ ---------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-- ---------- ---------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez .

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
------------ ---------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
-- ---------- ---------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'
------------ ---------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

Kids Are So Quick - From The Mouths Of Babes

2010-04-20T22:32:00.001+01:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that wedidn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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George Carlin on age102 - How we talk about our AGE

2010-04-20T22:28:00.001+01:00

George Carlin's Views on Ageing

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony..YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21,TURN 30,PUSH 40,REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime.. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.Throw out nonessential numbers.This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2.Keep only cheerful friends.The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning.Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil'sname is Alzheimer's.

4.Enjoy the simple things.

5.Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.The tears happen.Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8.Cherish your health:If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Adam and Eve - The Real Bible Story

2010-04-20T22:22:00.001+01:00

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve -- Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely...... So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?
''An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked,
'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

Minimum Wage Scandal

2010-04-20T22:14:00.001+01:00

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Work and pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the rep.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Role Model - scary it is so accurate

2010-04-20T22:11:00.001+01:00

I really couldn't believe this one...try it!!

I knew that I would have a truly great role model and I did. I hope you enjoy realizing who's yours is.

Each of us is the result of the influence of many people. However someindividuals have played a significant role in our development, They are often called "role models" that we consciously or unconsciously imitate.

Perhaps you know who that person is, or perhaps you don't.

The world renowned SAMUEL HAIN, Ph.D, has given us a simple way to determine our role model. It is easy and only takes a minute and it may surprise you..

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL?

Be sure not to peek! You don't want to skew your answer.

Try this - it's really neat ...Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number......
5) Add the digits together - to form a single digit

Now Scroll down ...............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the

list below:

1. Albert Einstein

2. John Lennon

3. Mother Theresa

4. George W. Bush

5. Wayne Gretzky

6. Meryl Streep

7. Tiger Woods

8. Barack Obama

9. Martin Bleasdale

10. Oprah Winfrey

*I know....I just have that effect on people....one day too can be like me....... Believe it! *

* P.S.. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT

The Five Minute Chocolate Sponge Tipple Cake

2010-04-20T22:00:00.001+01:00

If your on a diet, your gonna hate me, if your on the wagon, your gonna hate me more

To Everyone Else........ YOUR VERY WELCOME :-)

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE!!

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract and your favourite tipple
1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to your largest mug and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using), vanilla extract and a drop or two of your favourite tipple, then mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high).

The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.

EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now you are only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Housewives Dream Comes True

2010-04-20T21:50:00.002+01:00

Be Carefull What You Wish For..............

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

2010-04-20T21:49:00.001+01:00

My favourite food ..................

Been On The Coke Again???

2010-04-20T21:47:00.001+01:00

Worker Caught On Coke During Working Hours.....

Testicle Therapy

2010-04-20T21:38:00.007+01:00

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole...

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll let me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'

The Online Ramblings of Martin Bleasdale

2010-04-20T21:02:00.001+01:00

Welcome to my Blog, basically a series of non-sensicle ramblings, jokes and emails that strange people have sent to me over the years, enjoy :-)